Fear City
I don't know.

If someone hurt me, physically hurt me, I'd want...I'd expect Logan to defend me, to stand up for me. To hurt them like they hurt me. On the other...I'm angry at Pete for doing that. I'm pissed, genuinely upset at him, for something that I'd want Logan to do for me. I guess: no. I'd want Logan to defend me, but I wouldn't want it to be public. The fact that Pete did it in front of other people meant that everybody now knows. Everybody. Why couldn't he wait, why couldn't he do it in private! I don't understand.

I have trouble looking some of my friends in the eye sometimes, because they know: they know my dark secret, they know I was in a hospital, and so many of them know what I did, and I want to crawl out of my skin, I'm so shamed by the fact that they know. And I feel this pressure to be more perfect than ever around them, so that they think that I'm fine now. Maybe they'll forget. Maybe they'll forget that I smashed apart, maybe...if I were Andi, and everybody knew that my boyfriend beat me, I'd kill myself. I'd kill myself, I couldn't do it, I couldn't go to school, knowing that everybody knew...Andi's stronger than I am. But...I just...I don't know.

How do I tell her how much I ache for her? You can't go up to someone and say, So there's this rumor... I can't. But how do I tell her...and I feel so stupid, my God, I feel...how stupid I was! I cooed over that bracelet...my necklace looks like hers, I'll never be able to wear this necklace again, I'm so ashamed of myself for gushing over how romantic it was that Andi had changed Bruce while he was making her bleed. I want to be here for Andi now, I want to sit with her if she wants to talk, if she wants to not talk...but I don't want to crowd her, shadow her, scare her...these rumors, that I know because of a rumor...

Logan's coming over tonight. I asked the Hirschs if he could, and they didn't care, and we asked his parents, and it took a bit of convincing, but because of what happened to his mother, I suppose they yielded because we found their sensitive button and pushed it: when girls are treated badly. I just want him around tonight. I want to talk. I want to not talk. But...I just want my boyfriend around tonight because...just because. I just want him, and I don't care if that makes me stupid or weak or lame, I want him tonight. Because I'm scared. Because I'm angry at a good friend, and I won't ever tell him why because I can't bear to let him know that I'm not All Better. Because I'll never be perfect enough to make it all go away.

Because all I can do is cry for Andi, and not a single tear makes it better for her. Not a single one.