When Logan and I broke up the first time, back in eighth grade, I forgave him, and he corrected what he was doing wrong: he had stopped listening to me. He stopped listening, and I forgot that to be listened to, you have to speak up. People not listening to what I say, though, has stayed with me. He doesn't do it anymore, he wouldn't dare, but...others do.

I've been trying to put my finger on why I haven't been eager to spend time with Carly lately. At first I thought it was because of that trust issue that was raised in our conversation, but that wasn't right: I give time to everyone, and Carly is a great, amazing, talented person, why wouldn't I want to spend time with someone like that, even if it never deepened into a friendship because of her own reservations? And then I realized it as Shoshannah made me a bowl of Cream of Wheat for breakfast: it's soft like soup but not as messy as oatmeal. I don't like oatmeal right now, it's so ragged looking, you can't keep it even as you eat it. I was smoothing the surface of the food and I looked up, it hit me that I hadn't even had to say that I was struggling, everyone knew. At some point, my voice stopped being important. Everyone can see that I've lost weight. That I'm...my food habits have picked up, that I'm counting every bite. My voice has disappeared: if I said I was fine, everyone would ignore me, wouldn't they.

Carly ignored what I said. And I'm upset. I guess I didn't realize it until just now.

( Ghosts appear and fade away. )

Yesterday was Tess's birthday. Barbara had a surprise sleepover at her house, and all of our friends from SADD and their friends from the orchestra filled the living room. It's so nice, to see how much Tess has changed since eighth grade: not her body, it's the fact that she's so full of energy now, energy and confidence. Barbara jokes that Tess is our enforcer; I think there's truth in that. I think all three of us have changed a lot. I was a wimp back then, Barbara was so severely depressed for a very long time after Amelia, and Tess was the weird new girl that everyone picked on and then ignored. We've evolved from our old selves, but there is still threads that tie us back to who we were. Barbara misses Amelia horribly some days and she gets lost in that. Tess has a chip on her shoulder from when she an outcast, and she can weild it like a weapon at times. And I can still be a righteous baby when I want to be, not half as strong as I want to be.

The Hirsch mansion is four blocks away from Kristy. And as Katie drove me home, we passed by the Thomas-Brewer house, all Christmas bright and beautiful. Part of me wanted to jump out of the car and run to her front door. Apologize until my tongue went numb and make it all better again. Tell her about going to the hospital and how I'm scared to go but more scared that it won't fix me right away. Tell her I really miss my mom right now, so much I cried for her for no reason this morning when I woke up, so hard my stomach hurt? Tell her every single inch about my night with Logan and how this feels like a dream. That I'm scared that he's dated girls that are so beautiful since me...Dorianne, Corinne, Hannah Toce and Andi Gentile and so many other of the most popular and pretty girls in our class, and what will everyone think? That he's slumming with me?

Instead, I didn't say a word. Katie drove down the street, and I was silent. Yes. In a way, I'm still that girl.

My life is slipping through my fingers. My life as water, it's something I can't hold on to anymore. I'm working so hard at school, at Student Council, at SADD, at making Dawn feel at home, at trying to be a good friend, at ignoring this weird like for Logan, at trying not to think about Kristy or Rick...and then it all comes crashing down in one night. And the way I deal with it...was to get drunk? Okay, admittedly, I gave up after half a beer...though those Jell-O shots...they're fat free, how can they get someone so hammered?...but still. I woke up this morning feeling fuzzy tongued and disgusting with a headache that felt like a timpani, and everything, everything was still there in the daylight.

Though, now my Facebook page has a lot more comments saying that I'm "awesome" and "bad ass." The only thing I needed to become as popular as Logan was to make a fool of myself on little wiggly squares of vodka. Awesome.

I feel stupid and ugly. I haven't eaten all day, and...I never want to, and I'm trying to force myself to for dinner, but I don't know if I can. I just want to make a Mary Anne-shaped hole in the world. A hole I'm sure will be filled as quickly as Rick filled my spot with Shawna. The thing is, I don't remember feeling...hurt? The idea of him being with her didn't make me miss him. Or even hate him.

It made me hate me. Stupid, stupid, ignorant me.

I'll do the memo later. After Kristy...I need to write this all down, I need to see why she and I can't be friends until she understands. I have to understand that, too.

Last year, when we moved into the barn, I had those nightmares again. Plus, I missed the club, school was harder...it was all just so overwhelming. I felt like everything was spinning out of control. I obsessed on how I looked and then exactly what I ate...I got compliments on my weight loss at first, so I knew I was fixing something that was wrong with me, I was so ugly on the outside... It was Sharon who said I was anoretic first, in early December; I was so angry at her for that. But for as often as she is horrible with her hovering now...she was right. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have gotten treatment so quickly. It saved me. In a way...I owe Sharon my life.

I was everything to everyone back then, I was Supergirl. All I had to do was stop eating. I lost twenty-one pounds; I could count each one my ribs, my vertebrate, run my fingers over them like the keys of a piano. To this day, everyone believes the story that I was just stressed from doing too much. I gained weight over Christmas break, I kept gaining slowly the next semester...I kept up appearances perfectly. Nobody knew that my trip to "Iowa" was really to a treatment center in Hartford. The older BSC girls know what it was anorexia. That it is. Those girls, Logan, Barbara and Tess and Dawn. I relapsed in early summer, but I clawed back. This fall, I've been better. Much better; sometimes I feel "normal" again. Not lately. I know that I'm sliding and why. I just have to keep telling myself this, that I know how to fight back, and not let the mirror shout back at me the way it does some days. Not let the people who treat me like I'm made of glass or that I'm "Miss Waistline" bring me down.

What Kristy doesn't get is, I've been standing up to anorexia for a year now. I'm fighting it. I found my voice for the first time in seventh grade, with my father. I used it more and more in eighth. I'm quiet, but I'm not shy anymore: I am not silent anymore. In the end...I will be shouting. In my own Mary Anne way, I will shout. One day.

Rick and I broke up. It took three minutes, right after school. I kissed him, he thanked me as if I had lent him a pencil, and then we both stared at each other and knew. But I was the one who broke the silence and said it.

"I think this isn't working anymore," I said. And he agreed. He said we should stay good friends. I agreed. He squeezed my hand and let go and...Rick Chow and I were over. Three months and one week together, and done in three minutes. We should have ended two months ago, but...I didn't want to end something again. I wanted it to work, I wanted to find...what I once had, with someone else. I guess I kept hoping that all of the promise of our first dates would click back in. It never did.

All I did was hope with Rick, and here I am, hoping that Kristy and I can click back in. I've been avoiding her all week, I know, I'm angry about what she said on the boards. I mean, I'm trying, I'm trying really hard, I don't need her idea of "help." We haven't been the same since last year, since I got back from treatment. Everybody else...most everyone ignores it, lets me handle it on my own. I'm doing good, too, I am. I ate so much at Thanksgiving, I feel disgusting...I'm fighting really hard here to not to...I'm fighting myself. Kristy's not helping.

She has to understand. I'll try explaining it again to her. But what if she doesn't? What am I going to do, let her and I drift on like I did my relationship with Rick? I broke up with Logan for hovering and bossing, even though I loved him so much. And since then, he's become my absolute best friend again. But Kristy is my best friend now. I don't have to "break up" with Kristy, do I? Please. Listen to me tomorrow night, Kristy. Please.