To whomever is reading this...

I know you're probably hoping that this last journal entry will give you some clarity, an idea, an explanation. And I don't really know if anything that I write will make this...I don't know if there's anything I can write. I tried to write letters to everyone, but instead, I just hugged everyone extra tight when I gave them their presents. I have everything saved on my computer, all of my notes...I made sure to give Pete a copy of everything I've done for next semester, everything is set.

So all that's left is...

Back when we had the Baby-Sitter's Club, everybody was Somebody. Kristy was the Great Idea Machine, famous for that. Claudia was the genius artist. Stacey was insanely sophisticated; no one in Stoneybrook could compare. Dawn was the California girl with all of these causes that she stood up for. Mallory was the brilliant writer. Jessi was the beautiful ballerina. Abby was the star soccer player, Logan the star athlete. Shannon was a standout in everything.

And I...I never made a mistake in the record book. That was me, my identity. What if I made a mistake? Then that's all I'd be: Mary Anne, Who Was Perfect With the Record Book...except for that one time. What if I slipped up twice...three times...what if I...then that's all they'd remember, since I had nothing else.

All I do is slip lately...and...then all I'll be is...

I never made a mistake in that book. I didn't. Ever. Not once, I still have that book, I was looking at it last night, and I didn't. I was perfect.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm hurting you. But I just can't do this anymore. It's better, it'll be better when I'm not here.

I love you all, I love you, I'm sorry.

Mary Anne